Direct Your Mind: If I Was Happy About This, What Would I Be Thinking About It?
In The Steering Wheel of Your Life, you learned that asking yourself a question is the best way to direct your mind. Of the many ways to talk to yourself, asking a question is the most powerful. Now we’re going to investigate some good questions.
The question for this article is: If I was happy about this, what would I be thinking about it? Sometimes it makes it easier to ask this version: If someone else, more capable, and wiser than me was happy about this, what would that person be thinking about it?
Asking this question is a good way to come up with slotras and good reframes.
Your car breaks down, it’s pouring rain, and you’re late for an important meeting. Of course this is miserable. One possible and perfectly understandable reaction you could have is to throw a fit of rage. To freak out. To cry, scream, curse the gods.
But when you’re done and you’ve made your phone calls and you’re waiting for the tow truck to arrive, you can explore your mind by imagining this same set of circumstances, but you being happy about it. What would you have to be thinking to be happy about it?
Have I gone overboard here? Is this pie-in-the-sky positive thinking on steroids? How can anybody be happy in those circumstances? Why would anyone even want to be happy in those circumstances?
The why is easy: You’ll feel better and get more done. It would do you no good at all to feel miserable. What’s done is done. You do have those circumstances, no matter how you feel about them. And negative emotions are generally hard on you. Anytime you can remove unnecessary negative emotions from your life, you’ve benefited your health.
And you will respond to things better, you’ll be more creative at solving problems, and you’ll treat people you love with more care and respect if you feel better. The way you feel has real consequences.
So that takes care of the why. Let’s look at the how. How could a person feel happy under those circumstances? Broken-down car, rain, late for meeting. You can’t do it by forcing yourself, I can tell you that. You cannot force yourself to feel good. Why? Because forcing yourself doesn’t feel good.
But you could have a different perspective on the circumstances. You could look at them differently, and thereby feel differently. You could be only mildly upset about it, you could not be bothered at all about it, or you could actually feel happy — actually feel good about your circumstances. All it takes is a little creativity on your part.
Your answers to the question depend on you and your circumstances. If I was in that circumstance, for example (with the rain and late for an appointment, etc.) and if I was happy about it, these are some of the things I think I’d be thinking: I’m glad this happened to me and not my wife. I’m glad this happened when I was in the slow lane and could get off the road without causing an accident. It will be interesting to find out how the interviewer responds to my missing the meeting (sort of like a test of character), and it might make a good real-life illustration to use on the re-scheduled interview. I’m glad this happened because as I’m sitting here waiting for the tow truck I’ve had time to reflect on the fact that I was running late already, and perhaps my own greed needs to be curbed — I’m trying to stuff too much into my days and I’m past the point where it is fun. I need to slow the pace and make it more fun. I’m glad this event has given me time to reflect and readjust my priorities.
And so on. You get the idea. The more you think about it, the more there is to be happy about. It’s also true that the more you think about it, the more things you could think of to be miserable about, but the question is: Which do you choose? Because it really is your choice, and your choice will have consequences one way or the other.
Another alternative way to ask this question is: What would I like to feel about this? And then after you get the answer to that one, ask: What would I have to think about it in order to feel that way?
Another way to ask this is, “What can I think about right now that will improve my mood?” Then, of course, think about it.
This is a good question when thinking up slotras. First think of what emotion you would like to feel in this situation. Then ask, “What would someone have to think about this situation in order to feel that way?”
I once had an appointment with the dentist the following day, for example, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. So I asked, “What do I want to feel?” Of course, my answer was, I wanted to be glad I was going to the dentist, or at least no longer feel dread.
My next question was, “What would I have to think that would make me feel good in these circumstances?”
One of my answers was, “Grateful that I live in a time and place that has dentists to take care of my teeth.” I thought about other places and times (most of history since the advent of agriculture) when people got painful cavities, lost their teeth, and suffered tremendous agony because they didn’t have dentists, because dentistry hadn’t been invented or it was only for rich people or whatever, and here I was ungratefully wishing I didn’t have to go.
And the truth is, I didn’t have to go. It was my priviledge to be able to go. I felt glad about going, and no longer dreaded it. And I changed my state by beginning with the simple question, “What would I like to feel?” Okay, I have this bad feeling, but what would I like to feel?” And then go on from there and ponder the question, “What could I think about the situation that would result in that feeling?”
Also note that I changed the way I looked at it and felt better without fooling myself or trying to believe something I didn’t really believe or trying to force myself to feel any particular way. I felt better honestly and genuinely by looking at the real situation with a broader perspective than I had been using.
Questions are powerful. They direct your mind. And this question is a great way to generate whole new trains of thought that will lead you to better feelings and better health.
This feeling good challenge has been the most difficult for me to overcome. yes sometimes trying to think about the positivity feels a little forced. i’m still working on this. How do you feel good after hurting someone? i find whenever i try to feel good about a situation where i think i have hurt a friend.. one persistent thought is guilt - that she may not want me to feel good about it. any tips?
One of the worst mistakes you can make is using the wrong tool for the task. Each tool is good for some things and bad for others. If you have hurt someone, and you have done nothing to make amends, you should not feel good. That is your own integrity speaking to you.
A good tool to use is Motivation Principle Number Six: Take The Time To Think.
Or you could ponder the question: What can I do to make up for the hurt I caused? When you have restored your integrity, you will feel good again.
When you make amends, to do it well may require some creativity on your part. Exactly what to do may not be obvious. But give it lots of concentrated thought, and come up with ideas, making a written list of your ideas, and you will probably think of something good.
Good luck to you, Reema. We would love to hear the upshot. We’d love to hear what you did and how it turned out.
Thank you for inspiring me, Mr. Khan
It is my pleasure, Teressa!
Thank-you for this. I will try and use this to make myself feel more positive at work, I feel very stressed and tired, overwhelmed and exhausted, wore out and just bad in general. I work 12 hours of labor on a gas producing rig, I just can’t take it anymore and need to call it quits. 6 more shifts left, I hope I can make it threw without going insane or into depression. Any tips ? Thanks for the article. I will use it to my advantage.
That’s a perfect situation for trying this out. Okay, you’re stressed, tired, exhausted and overwhelmed. You feel lousy. Did you know in the Marines they deliberately create the exact same state during bootcamp (in an event called The Crucible)?
Why do you suppose they would put their soldiers through that? Because they are training them to be able to keep using their heads and making good decisions even in the worst circumstances and you can’t learn how to do that except by actually being in those circumstances.
The soldiers will also remember the event for the rest of their lives and they’ll know they did it and survived. It will be a point of comparison for anything that happens after. In other words, later on in life, they might be going through a tough period and feeling like they can’t take it, but then they’ll remember The Crucible and they’ll know they are tougher than they ever thought, and compared to The Crucible, this problem their having now is relatively minor. The memory will allow them to put things into perspective.
And your memories of what you’re going through now on the rig can do the same thing for you for the rest of your life.
That is one possible set of thoughts that you might be thinking if you were happy about what’s happening now. What I’ve suggested is not the only possibility. Just picture yourself or someone else being in exactly your circumstances right now and actually feeling happy about it. What kind of thoughts and perspectives could lead to that feeling of happiness in those circumstances? Ponder this intensely. Not just for a few minutes but as much as you can. Let it be the last question on your mind as you go to bed, and the first thing on your mind in the morning. You’ll find answers.