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When you are antivirusing your mind, you’re looking for mistakes, right? You’re trying to find assumptions you’ve made that aren’t true — assumptions like “nobody will ever love me” or “I will be miserable forever.”

One of the interesting findings in the research on depression is that the most depressing assumption you can make is about permanence. If you think something bad is permanent and cannot be changed, it is one of the most — if not the most — demoralizing thought you can have.

If you are mistaken about the permanence, it is an enormous benefit to recognize your mistake. It can restore your morale immediately.

But sometimes you’ll realize that you were not mistaken. You assumed something was permanent and you were right. Then what?

Then the question is, “What can I change?”

Actually to answer that question, you must first know the answer to a pre-question: What do I want?

So for example, you’re trying to sell pet rocks, and you’re not selling very many, so you run the antivirus on your thoughts and one of your negative thoughts is: The fad is over. That is a permanent explanation. And let’s say you realize you are correct about this, and you realize no matter what you do, you may never be able to revive the fad. You feel demoralized by this realization. Now what?

The question is first, What do you want? Let’s say you want to have a successful business selling something.

Then the second question is: What can I change? Of course, you can change what you sell. If you want to be successful at selling something, it doesn’t have to be pet rocks. You could change what you sell, the way you sell it, the way the rocks look, etc. What can you change?

When you find yourself fixated by the negative bias — when all you can see is what you can’t change — pull this question out of your pocket and ask it and keep asking it and don’t let it go until you’ve found some good answers.

Tags: direct your mind by Adam Khan
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One night I was getting ready for bed and I felt disappointed in myself. It had been a busy day but I didn’t feel like I’d done much to advance my goals, and I did a couple of things poorly. I didn’t want to end the day feeling down. Days like that I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I feel frustrated and don’t look forward to tomorrow.

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever wished you had a way to bring yourself out of it? Well, from now on, you’ll have something you can use. I invented a technique that night and I’ve used it many times since, and it works every time to raise my spirits and make me feel strong again, looking forward to another day.

I asked myself, “What did I do today that was right?” As soon as I asked it, I thought of something. Earlier that day I was going to say something in anger, and I held my tongue. “That was a good thing to do,” I thought to myself. And I already felt better. I had done at least one thing right.

But I didn’t stop there. I asked it again. What else did I do right today? After only a minute’s thought or less, I thought of another one. There were three small items on my desk I’d been meaning to do but not getting around to, and I got them done that day.

I felt better still. The day wasn’t a total loss. Not at all. And even though I did a couple things poorly, I had also done a couple things right, and this made me feel better.

I asked the question again a few more times and went to sleep feeling relaxed and satisfied, looking forward to a new day.

If this technique did nothing more than make me feel better, it would have been worthwhile. An improved mood is a definite asset. But the question does something else that may be even more valuable: It made me look into my day to see which actions I took were the most valuable.

Each right thing you do is something you do voluntarily — you have a choice in whether to do it or not.

By paying special attention to which ones are the truly good choices, you clarify your goals and moral principles. You clarify what you think is good. You clarify what you want more of. This clarity has practical, long-term benefits.

Ask yourself the question tonight. What did you do today that helped you achieve your most important goals? What did you do right today? What did you do that you can feel good about? Think of something, even a small thing. Enjoy it for a moment, and then ask the question again. What else? And what else? It’s an excellent exercise to help you feel good more often and increase your ability to accomplish your goals.

A variation on this question is, “What would I do differently if I could do the day over?” And then “What am I really glad I did today?” Very helpful. Very productive.

Another version is: “What did I do today that was productive and what was a waste of my time?”

Another version is: What did I do that makes me feel proud of myself?

These are all questions to help solve a common problem: Neglecting to take credit for what you do right and focusing your attention on what you do wrong. The negative bias gives this tendency to nearly everyone.

The simple solution is to start taking credit for the things you do right. Ask yourself what you’re doing right, and keep asking, getting more and more answers. It is amazingly relaxing. It is a relief to know you’ve done some things right, and it makes you more aware of what you consider to be “right.” It makes you clearer about your values.

The question is a great one to ask at the end of the day, but you can ask it any time. In the car on the way home from work, for example, ask yourself, “What did I do right today?”

What can you take credit for? Go ahead and feel good. It doesn’t do any good to feel like a loser, which is the result of overlooking what you’re doing right. It accomplishes nothing to feel like a loser. In fact, it hinders your motivation.

Bragging may be a social blunder, but giving yourself legitimate credit, in the privacy of your own mind, for the good things you do is healthy, it feels good, and it supports your feelings of motivation (so it helps you accomplish your goals).

Tags: direct your mind by Adam Khan
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In The Steering Wheel of Your Life, you learned that asking yourself a question is the best way to direct your mind. Of the many ways to talk to yourself, asking a question is the most powerful. Now we’re going to investigate some good questions.

The question for this article is: If I was happy about this, what would I be thinking about it? Sometimes it makes it easier to ask this version: If someone else, more capable, and wiser than me was happy about this, what would that person be thinking about it?

Asking this question is a good way to come up with slotras and good reframes.

Your car breaks down, it’s pouring rain, and you’re late for an important meeting. Of course this is miserable. One possible and perfectly understandable reaction you could have is to throw a fit of rage. To freak out. To cry, scream, curse the gods.

But when you’re done and you’ve made your phone calls and you’re waiting for the tow truck to arrive, you can explore your mind by imagining this same set of circumstances, but you being happy about it. What would you have to be thinking to be happy about it?

Have I gone overboard here? Is this pie-in-the-sky positive thinking on steroids? How can anybody be happy in those circumstances? Why would anyone even want to be happy in those circumstances?

The why is easy: You’ll feel better and get more done. It would do you no good at all to feel miserable. What’s done is done. You do have those circumstances, no matter how you feel about them. And negative emotions are generally hard on you. Anytime you can remove unnecessary negative emotions from your life, you’ve benefited your health.

And you will respond to things better, you’ll be more creative at solving problems, and you’ll treat people you love with more care and respect if you feel better. The way you feel has real consequences.

So that takes care of the why. Let’s look at the how. How could a person feel happy under those circumstances? Broken-down car, rain, late for meeting. You can’t do it by forcing yourself, I can tell you that. You cannot force yourself to feel good. Why? Because forcing yourself doesn’t feel good.

But you could have a different perspective on the circumstances. You could look at them differently, and thereby feel differently. You could be only mildly upset about it, you could not be bothered at all about it, or you could actually feel happy — actually feel good about your circumstances. All it takes is a little creativity on your part.

Your answers to the question depend on you and your circumstances. If I was in that circumstance, for example (with the rain and late for an appointment, etc.) and if I was happy about it, these are some of the things I think I’d be thinking: I’m glad this happened to me and not my wife. I’m glad this happened when I was in the slow lane and could get off the road without causing an accident. It will be interesting to find out how the interviewer responds to my missing the meeting (sort of like a test of character), and it might make a good real-life illustration to use on the re-scheduled interview. I’m glad this happened because as I’m sitting here waiting for the tow truck I’ve had time to reflect on the fact that I was running late already, and perhaps my own greed needs to be curbed — I’m trying to stuff too much into my days and I’m past the point where it is fun. I need to slow the pace and make it more fun. I’m glad this event has given me time to reflect and readjust my priorities.

And so on. You get the idea. The more you think about it, the more there is to be happy about. It’s also true that the more you think about it, the more things you could think of to be miserable about, but the question is: Which do you choose? Because it really is your choice, and your choice will have consequences one way or the other.

Another alternative way to ask this question is: What would I like to feel about this? And then after you get the answer to that one, ask: What would I have to think about it in order to feel that way?

Another way to ask this is, “What can I think about right now that will improve my mood?” Then, of course, think about it.

This is a good question when thinking up slotras. First think of what emotion you would like to feel in this situation. Then ask, “What would someone have to think about this situation in order to feel that way?”

I once had an appointment with the dentist the following day, for example, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. So I asked, “What do I want to feel?” Of course, my answer was, I wanted to be glad I was going to the dentist, or at least no longer feel dread.

My next question was, “What would I have to think that would make me feel good in these circumstances?”

One of my answers was, “Grateful that I live in a time and place that has dentists to take care of my teeth.” I thought about other places and times (most of history since the advent of agriculture) when people got painful cavities, lost their teeth, and suffered tremendous agony because they didn’t have dentists, because dentistry hadn’t been invented or it was only for rich people or whatever, and here I was ungratefully wishing I didn’t have to go.

And the truth is, I didn’t have to go. It was my priviledge to be able to go. I felt glad about going, and no longer dreaded it. And I changed my state by beginning with the simple question, “What would I like to feel?” Okay, I have this bad feeling, but what would I like to feel?” And then go on from there and ponder the question, “What could I think about the situation that would result in that feeling?”

Also note that I changed the way I looked at it and felt better without fooling myself or trying to believe something I didn’t really believe or trying to force myself to feel any particular way. I felt better honestly and genuinely by looking at the real situation with a broader perspective than I had been using.

Questions are powerful. They direct your mind. And this question is a great way to generate whole new trains of thought that will lead you to better feelings and better health.

Tags: direct your mind by Adam Khan
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